In a shocking report released over the weekend, sources claim that the original design for children included additional features such as an On/Off button and a convenient volume control but sources say that God, seeing the future, decided parents couldn’t be trusted with the easier features.

If you’ve ever wondered why your children don’t come with a volume or an on/off button it’s because apparently parents abused the features during child beta testing.

In a recent inquiry to heaven, this website reached Sam, an angelic being who was the Chief Interface Developer during the child development process. He claims that the main reason God discontinued the On/Off feature before the public release was because parents would get annoyed with their children and turn them off after “only a few seconds of whining.” This resulted in the parents dying of old age leaving behind children who had only logged a total of three hours of operation.

Apparently the purpose of the children program is to insert change catalysts into the the world and that purpose wasn’t being accomplished with the On/Off feature.

“If we left it up to the parents,” Sam claims, “The human race would die out in one generation because parents can’t resist the temptation to switch the large, red On/Off button on Timmy’s chest to “Off” after he cried for only several days straight without stopping.” Once off, parents would wait for the perfect opportunity to switch their child back on again, such as when they had enough money, when their favorite TV show was over, or whenever they felt like being awake for several days straight. Strangely, those things never seemed to materialize and so the child would collect dust in the closet forever.

It was determined that the best course of action was to insert the children into the same timeline as the parents so both parties would be forced to experience and learn from each other. “I know it’s a lot of work and we get a lot of complaints registered about children being noisy, but we try to remind them there’s the small, fringe benefit of being able to have an incredible impact on the world for eternity. But whatever, I guess children can be loud.”

Reportedly a volume feature was also considered but parents quickly muted their children and then misplaced them, much like a lost iPhone left on silent.

Please note this is an attempt at satire to make a point.