The other day I was walking past the oven. Janice had something sizzling on the stove top. Suddenly a loud bang echoed through the house which caused Janice to scream. I calmly jumped four feet in the air and assumed a defensive karate position.
So anyway, at least we don’t have a squat pot. Although if you come over and want an authentic northern China experience, I’ll hand you a shovel and point you to a tree on the far corner of the property.
It’s a good thing I married a wonderful wife who has a completely normal family history. Oh, except for that one time Janice’s grandpa thought America was going to be destroyed by God and so he moved seven of his fourteen kids to Paraguay to escape the Apocalypse (true story).
…Her brothers poked the headless iguana with sticks and, since the lizard still had working reflexes, it would scurry off in a random, undetermined direction.
Since Janice is pregnant she has a super doppler sense of smell. If a stinkbug farts in the attic, she’ll stop what she’s doing and look at me accusingly while raising an eyebrow. “What?” I’ll ask, bewildered. “Was that you?” She grimaces. “Ugh!” “What?” I’m still confused. “That wasn’t you? This house has been stinking […]
A couple weeks ago, our family got out of the house, packed up the baby paraphernalia into the minivan, and drove down to Fiddler’s Pond. It doesn’t have any fiddlers there that I’ve seen, but it does have a nice 1.5 mile trail looping around the pond, or maybe the lake, I don’t know. It’s […]
“Sure, that looks easy.” I gingerly positioned my butt in the middle of the rickety wooden stool and balanced myself by leaning my head against the cow’s thick, wooly hide. Then I grabbed that dangling, fleshy udder and squeezed as hard as I could. A little drop plinked into the bucket.
Happy 3rd Anniversary, Janice! I’m happy I married you. Hopefully this “poem” doesn’t cause you to regret that decision… Janice, she’s the she for me She’s the one for me, you see. She tickles my ticker; makes it gurgle, giggle, and hippety hop. It wiggles, jiggles, and positively pippety pops. “But human hearts do no […]
Click here to get notified of new blogs by email! Friday I had to babysit while Janice went out to eat with some of friends. I’m not complaining because another friend of her’s had dropped off a big bowl of spaghetti that afternoon. Janice has good friends and I wanted her to be free to […]
Of course, you can’t just get any ointment, it has to be infant safe with all natural coloring and zero corn syrup. This makes the price go up about $10 an ounce. Wait, isn’t the infant formula more diluted? How is it more expensive!?