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CategoryFamily Stories

Win Some, Lose Some

It gets quite breezy in my head at times and I was alarmed to find that my carefully crafted, powerfully poignant piece of literary artwork had evaporated like cheap toilet paper. I started shoving words out of my mouth hoping that, like a five speed car with a dead battery, I could just jump start my brain by pushing it down a hill.

Hanging Out with the Relatives

It’s a good thing I married a wonderful wife who has a completely normal family history. Oh, except for that one time Janice’s grandpa thought America was going to be destroyed by God and so he moved seven of his fourteen kids to Paraguay to escape the Apocalypse (true story).

Mommy’s Superpowers

Janice opens the cupboard, pulls out a black top hat, sticks her hand into it and yells “Abracadabra!” then pulls out a hot, nutritionally balanced meal neatly arranged on a plate.

“How did you do that!?”

“What? This? It’s just some leftovers I threw together.”

Good Habits & Bad Habits

At this point, her tiny toothbrush probably has more germs on it than the toilet brush. Of course, since all she has is baby teeth, they’ll fall out anyway. It’s like nature’s dentist. “Hey kid, you ruined your first pair of teeth, but here are some new teeth. Try again.”

The Miracle of Life and the Madness of Pregnancy

One thing I learned about pregnant women, or pregnant Janice’s at least, is that they have superhuman smelling. A bloodhound could have his nose down to the ground, sniffing for all he’s worth and not picking up any scents whatsoever. My wife would come along, take one light sniff, and then point the bloodhound in the right direction, “That way, stupid.”