So anyway, at least we don’t have a squat pot. Although if you come over and want an authentic northern China experience, I’ll hand you a shovel and point you to a tree on the far corner of the property.
It gets quite breezy in my head at times and I was alarmed to find that my carefully crafted, powerfully poignant piece of literary artwork had evaporated like cheap toilet paper. I started shoving words out of my mouth hoping that, like a five speed car with a dead battery, I could just jump start my brain by pushing it down a hill.
It’s a good thing I married a wonderful wife who has a completely normal family history. Oh, except for that one time Janice’s grandpa thought America was going to be destroyed by God and so he moved seven of his fourteen kids to Paraguay to escape the Apocalypse (true story).
Click here to get notified of new blogs by email! Fasting Janice and I have begun to fast regularly. I don’t mean “fast” as in speed of motion, although Janice … Continue reading Hunger, Vacuum Cleaners, & Moving North
Janice opens the cupboard, pulls out a black top hat, sticks her hand into it and yells “Abracadabra!” then pulls out a hot, nutritionally balanced meal neatly arranged on a plate.
“How did you do that!?”
“What? This? It’s just some leftovers I threw together.”
At this point, her tiny toothbrush probably has more germs on it than the toilet brush. Of course, since all she has is baby teeth, they’ll fall out anyway. It’s like nature’s dentist. “Hey kid, you ruined your first pair of teeth, but here are some new teeth. Try again.”
…Her brothers poked the headless iguana with sticks and, since the lizard still had working reflexes, it would scurry off in a random, undetermined direction.
Since Janice is pregnant she has a super doppler sense of smell. If a stinkbug farts in the attic, she’ll stop what she’s doing and look at me accusingly while … Continue reading Leaky Pipes
“Sure, that looks easy.” I gingerly positioned my butt in the middle of the rickety wooden stool and balanced myself by leaning my head against the cow’s thick, wooly hide. Then I grabbed that dangling, fleshy udder and squeezed as hard as I could. A little drop plinked into the bucket.
Click here to get notified of new blogs by email! Friday I had to babysit while Janice went out to eat with some of friends. I’m not complaining because another … Continue reading Eggs in the Toaster
One thing I learned about pregnant women, or pregnant Janice’s at least, is that they have superhuman smelling. A bloodhound could have his nose down to the ground, sniffing for all he’s worth and not picking up any scents whatsoever. My wife would come along, take one light sniff, and then point the bloodhound in the right direction, “That way, stupid.”
Last weekend we hopped in the family Caravan and made a beeline for the most inhospitable patch of wilderness West Virginia has to offer. Well, probably not the most inhospitable. … Continue reading Almost Heaven, West Virginia…