Being rich is a lot of work so here’s a few ways to act the part while avoiding the stress of the fluctuating stock market or the threat of being kidnapped and held for ransom.
1. Subscribe to the Flying magazine.
Nothing screams money like airplanes. Now, you probably can’t afford an airplane but you may be able to trick people into thinking you own or fly one. Simply subscribe to Flying magazine (it’s like $30 a year or something) and then strategically place the magazines around your house in optimal locations. I happen to have a subscription myself and I enjoy reading it immensely. However, I found that two things happen when I leave Flying magazines laying around the house, Janice gets annoyed and visitors think that somehow I probably own an airplane or fly a lot.
Guests walk into the living room and immediately notice cheap Dollar General candles billowing smoke like they are made from old tires and kerosene. “We need to cover up the smell of the leaking pipes in the basement,” I explain. They start to suspect that there’s a small possibility that we’re not wealthy. Then they notice the stacks of Flying magazines scattered over the coffee table, with specifications of the new Kodiak Series II circled and little notes in the margins about liquidating some assets. One particular edition catches their eye, “5 Tips to Remember When Buying your First Single Turboprop.”
Suddenly they feel shame for judging us and immediately begin judging themselves. Of course! These people can’t buy a nice house because they fly airplanes all the time. We can’t afford to fly because we wasted all our money on boring investments, BMWs, hot tubs and a house with a four car garage.
What they don’t know is that our toilet paper budget is in the red this week, so our stack of Flying magazines is dwindling rapidly.(Related: Janice, She’s the She for Me)
2. Become a coffee snob.
People assume that if you have the time and energy to have strong opinions about coffee, you have a refined palette. A refined palette is something rich people have. Who drinks cheap coffee? Poor people and truck drivers. Does becoming a coffee snob sound difficult? Its not, here’s some easy ways to pass yourself off as a legit snob.
Shop for coffee at discount grocery stores. Here’s the deal: every week you can find some strange coffee brand that no one heard of before. That’s why it’s at Yoder’s Bent and Dent Emporium. No one else in America wanted it. (Related: Yoder’s Bent and Dent Emporium Versus the Mission Field) This means you can pick up a couple bags for next to nothing and stuff your cupboards with them. Then, when you’re pouring your visitors some coffee as they are perusing your Flying magazines, comment on how whatever particular brand of coffee your serving at the moment is your favorite. They’ll be dumbfounded because they’ll never have heard of it. They’ll assume their ignorance is an indicator of their lack worldly knowledge. “It’s very hard to find,” you’ll reassure them, “Most people never heard of it.” This will lead them assume it’s also expensive.
Use a French press. A French press is basically just a glass container that has a lid with a plunger. At the end of the plunger is a stainless steel screen. You simply throw a handful of your hard-to-find, exclusive coffee into the container then pour hot water into it. Once it sits for a minute or two, you simply push the plunger down and the screen filters the grounds out. This contraption costs around $20 which is the same price as Walmart’s cheapest Econo-Brew coffee maker. As you’re serving coffee, say something like, “We like our French press so much we stopped using our German made espresso machine.” Your visitors will raise an eyebrow, look at each other, and think to themselves, My, my, these people have taste.
3. Own a plot of land in Alaska
Now, this isn’t as cheap of an option as buying coffee from Yoder’s Bent and Dent Emporium but I found that it does inexplicably make people think you’re rich. I bought my 8.9 acres for under $15k which is probably less than some people spend on tires, rims, and lift kits for their pickups. I bought the land before I was dating back when I had plans to become a reclusive hermit. I paid less for my slice of Alaska than some people pay in property taxes each year, yet when I tell people I own land in Alaska they act like I own a parcel on the moon and operate a private space shuttle. Any idiot can buy land in Alaska. In fact, my wife would argue that only idiots buy land in Alaska. Apparently most people don’t realize that Alaska isn’t a separate country and that there’s no special requirements or qualifications needed to buy land there (although being a little crazy helps).
My plot of paradise on the Kenai Peninsula will soon be on the market, by the way. We’re going whole hog into missionary aviation and surrendering what we have to so we can follow God’s leading.
4. Complain… a lot.
Rich people have fine tastes and so most things fall short of their expectations. If you complain a lot about how common, everyday things are beneath you, people will assume you’re wealthy. They’ll also hate you, but that’s OK. Being hated is another trait of wealthy people.
5. Sell everything
If all that fails, sell everything you own and preach the virtues of minimalism. If you don’t have any possessions to sell, simply paint everything you own white and put only one piece of furniture in each room. If your house looks like an Apple store, you’ve succeeded. Then complain often about the burden of having worldly possessions such as rental houses, jet ski’s, and airplanes and people will assume you had those things before you found a better way.
In summary, don’t bother doing any of those things.
Of course, you really shouldn’t care about what other people think about you. I mean, within reason. I wouldn’t stop wearing deodorant or anything but trying to make people like you is a fool’s errand. Reject society’s idols of wealth and popularity. You’ll breathe your last and find the sand castle you built for yourself on Earth crumbles quickly when Almighty God is staring you in the eyes, requiring account of how you spent the time he gave you. Instead of wasting your life trying to grab the swirling, ever changing vapor that is societal acceptance, find authentic & real people who’s lives show they are anchored to God and then listen to them, confide in them, & become accountable to them. Then watch as God shapes and molds your life into a the kind of person that can be used to reach the world.
He is no fool who gives up what he cannot keep in order to gain what he cannot lose.
– Jim Elliot (part of the Ecuador 5)
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